When divorce is the only option

By now you must have heard that Tiwa Savage- Balogun and her estranged husband, Tunji Balogun, popularly known as Teebillz have eventually decided to dissolve their marriage.  Reports have it that Tiwa’s husband filed for divorce and he has decided to go have a fresh start in America.  We all can remember what happened sometime in April 2016 when Teebillz tried to commit suicide by attempting to jump into the Lagos lagoon. Before then, he had gone on social media accusing his wife of cheating on him with top celebrities like 2face Idibia, Dr. Sid, Don Jazzy and many others. Although Tiwa denied this, she accused her husband of being a drug addict, squandering her money and cheating on her with other women. However, after interventions from some top personalities, the couple came back together and we all thought they would live happily ever after until last week.

Many people have been arguing back and forth over who filed for the divorce. Some believe that it was Tiwa that filed for divorce while another school of thought insisted it was Teebillz. Well, whoever did, I do respect their decision to dissolve their marriage when they have tried all they could to make it work. But what got me infuriated was a source that was quoted and annoyingly I have been seeing this quote on every blog, “Tiwa’s career was more important to her than TeeBillz’s wellbeing,” What has that got to do with a couple going their separate ways? So she should leave her career and face a marriage that was obviously hitting the rocks. A marriage she decided to go back to because she was willing to dance to the tune of the society. There is no doubt that she went back because she was afraid of being castigated by the society. Of course, some of us were not carried away by the few displays of public affection on social media. We only hoped it would work out fine because we believed that sometimes a second chance is worth trying out.  And when it didn’t work out both parties decided to part ways, why heap blames on the woman?  Why should the woman be held responsible for a failed marriage?  Is he terminally ill that he needs someone to nurse him back to good health? Is Tiwa a nanny or a wife? Please don’t tell me men are babies. If that is what you are trying to give me a sermon on, kindly stop it!  Wives are not nannies! An adult should be responsible to live up to the repercussion of his choices.

However, this isn’t about Tiwa and Teebillz, as the  headline of this write-up suggests.  Before I plunge deeply into this topic I will like to state categorically that I will never tell anyone to divorce his/ her spouse for any reason. Even when you have exhausted every possible option of redeeming your marriage and you come to me for advice, I will never open my mouth to tell you to leave your husband or wife. That’s your own decision to make and no one can make that decision for you. I savour love stories a lot so I am not an advocate of divorce.  

However, no matter how I feel about this there are exceptions and the fact remains that there are some situations where divorce is the only sensible thing to do.  Whether I like it or not divorce sometimes can be the only healthy option.

Though it is never easy to file for divorce, it takes a lot of thinking but there are some marriages that when you stay in it, it would have more negative consequences than leaving.

Here are signs that your marriage is going to hit the rocks soon. For instance, if you have noticed over the years that you both have negative interactions more, then there is a problem. Also, if the severity of your arguments is high and filled with hurtful exchanges, then you should check your marriage.  If your arguments sometimes lead to violence or personal insults rather than topical disagreement, then this isn’t healthy. The hallmark of a healthy marriage is the ability to stick to a particular topic of disagreement without it snowballing into bigger problems.

Also when your values are different then problems may set in. If your spouse is no longer faithful or when you both decide to pursue the relationship outside the marriage then you need to check things. Although some marriages recover from the pains of extra marital affairs, others take this as a valid reason to end the marriage. Cheating on a spouse can destroy the foundation of trust in a marriage and often times marriage counseling won’t help.

Interestingly, making efforts to fix a bad marriage is a great thing but when you have had counsels for many months and you have tried all without any signs of progress, then that may be an indicator for an impending divorce.  

Moreover, emotional exhaustion is also another indicator for divorce. After you have tried all techniques to restore your marriage and you still feel emotionally drained then that’s another red flag. Marriage requires commitment from both parties but when one or both parties give up on the relationship then it is time to move on.

For me, the scariest one is when you realize that your life is in danger, there is no marriage worth dying for and there is no marriage worth losing your sanity for. There is no marriage worth losing your health for. So when you get to these crossroads and there is nothing you can do to save the situation, I think it is more honourable to walk away.

For emphasis sake, I am going to say this again: sometimes divorce can seem like the only option but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you go into a marriage with a clear head, eyes wide open, with a balanced ego and you are more committed to fixing yourself rather than the other person then things might work out well.

On the other hand, there comes times when in-depth discussions, stern sitdowns and ultimatums no longer work. Then you know you need to face the truth. Stop bothering yourself over what the society will say and instead pick up the pieces of your life and move on. If divorce is your truth at that time, then embrace it. But if you just want to go away and clear your head, it is fine too. It doesn’t mean you failed, the failure tag is all built upon sentiments because it is better to be where you will be happy than be in a drowning marriage. I will like to end with this quote, “Failure happens, and it doesn’t mean you are weak, careless or any less of a person. It means that you care about the quality of your life and ultimate survival.” —Michela Montgomery.

 

 

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Re: Runaway dads don’t deserve forgiveness

Tito dear, most runaway dads have the notion that kids abandoned will in future link-up with them either willingly or to remove the stigma. I think without being influenced, any child left to die by runaway dads must never allow him again in their life. What use is his return after such kids had lived most of their lives in the want of dad, with an unresolved riddle about his disappearance?  –Mrs Alawode

 As I read today’s article all I could see was a runaway mum. She has been reaching out to my siblings and I recently after almost 10 years of radio silence and sending gifts, which we have accepted. But I still have my doubts about what her plan is, whatever the case may be I still haven’t gotten over the trauma she caused me so the gifts mean nothing to me. Thank you for this truth –Anonymous.

 Bolatito, a father who abandoned his family would do so for sound and valid reasons. There was a man who faced the trauma of an unknown man claiming he was father to two of his children and his wife confirming it. What would convince such a man that the other children were his? He simply walked out of the relationship in totality. The gap in your piece was the unstated reason behind the man’s abandonment of his family. However, the daughter’s decision, to pay her father back in the same coin, is a normal human reaction to such an issue. Apart from that, he is an adult now, with the right to make whatever decision on any issue relating to her, she cannot be blamed for her action. If a man condones his family, to go with another woman, he has committed a spiritual sin for which he would be sanctioned on judgment day before God. But no matter what, a father’s status remains sacrosanct.

–Lai Ashadele.

 I read your story on the newspaper about runways dads. My story is in line with yours but with a little difference. We were six that my mother gave birth and none of us completed schools. My story is a bitter, painful and heartbreaking one. I was only 7 years old when I saw my life, family, education and dreams destroyed with my very two eyes. Till today I go about with pain inside me that can never heal and I want to tell someone my story.

–0818….531.   

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