Dear njigirl,
My mother-in-law doesn’t think I will make a good mother and I am now pregnant with my first child. Should I be trying to convince her otherwise?
• AJ
Dear AJ,
I do not know how long you have been together with this woman’s son or how long you have been married to him. I am guessing that she has had the same sentiments towards you all this time. Has she changed towards you at all? Why do you think she will change now?
Most importantly, what are the notions she has about your capability as a wife and mother? These are deep rooted and directly tied to her convictions that you are not good enough for her son. There is nothing that you can do to make a person who has a deep conviction of dislike or hatred towards you to change their mind. This person has a problem that has nothing to do with you. You should continue to be yourself and concentrate on your pregnancy, your husband and on how to become a good person for humanity. Your mother-in-law may continue to hold these false beliefs about you but your duty is to keep on being a great partner to your spouse. Be nice to your mother-in-law; hold your complaints about her from your husband. What will likely happen is that your husband will see that his mother is the aggressor here and will support you when she states her ill-conceived notions about you. You need to pray that her actions towards you do not go overboard so that you do not react negatively. Be a good sport at all times especially towards her. Have you heard the cliché: kill them with kindness? That is the medicine for this type of behavior. Good luck with your pregnancy.
ν Dr. NJ
dear njigirl,
how should newlyweds discuss and split the domestic roles in the home?
ν Worried Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
Depending on what part of the world you live, the culture may split amongst gender lines. Traditionally, in many African cultures, the man is revered as head of household (HOH) and is not expected to do chores at home. In fact, it is a taboo for a man to be in the kitchen. His role is to work outside the home to provide for the family. The wife looks after the homefront, cooks and cleans and takes care of the husband’s every need as well as those of the children. She is expected to be heard and not seen when the HOH is around. The HOH is the king in the home and has the first and last word.
Well, things have changed for the better in many of these communities. Women now work outside the home and have the ability to contribute to the home economy. They now have a say in the home even though still limited in many homes.
Conversely, in the Western hemisphere (Europe and America inclusive), since the 1960’s, women fought for their rights and their equality and were granted these rights. This meant and still means that women work outside the home and provide nearly half of the money that comes into the home. They argue that since they bring in 50 percent of the income, chores and domestic decisions should also be divided using the 50-50 formula. Since that time, many homes have adopted this formula and it has become the “lingua franca” of the homes.
So, in a new marriage, the question should be about fairness and what works in your situation. If you work a typical 9-to-5pm shift and your spouse works the 3-to-1pm shift, both of you should be able to work out an amicable pattern where the husband prepares the meals (since he has time in the mornings) while you do the dishes and cleaning of the home when you get back at 6pm or so. There is no rocket science plan for your situation. Your plan has to be practical and workable and most of all, it must be agreeable to both of you. There is reason for both of you to be flexible so that you can change whatever that is not working quickly. Please make sure that you discuss what you intend to do and both of you must come up with suggestions as well as make the final decisions.
Good luck,
• Dr. NJ
The post ‘As newlyweds, how do we share domestic chores?’ appeared first on The Sun News.