This is the fourth installment of Ask Asa, my column for Men's Health.
Hi, everyone! I'm Asa Akira, and I’m officially now an unqualified sex and relationship columnist.
This is the fourth installment of Ask Asa, my column for Men's Health.
I may not have a doctorate (or a bachelor’s degree,) but I HAVE been having copious amounts of butt sex for the last decade, so I'm here to answer all of your sex and relationship questions. If you have any questions for me, shoot them to Men's Health on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagramwith the hashtag #AskAsa. Don't hold back - I certainly won't.
I was seeing a woman for two months, and she broke it off because I was, in her own words, "intense," because I responded to her calls or texts in a reasonable amount of time (10-15 minutes). Why is dating so complicated now?
The issue wasn’t how fast you got back to her texts. The issue likely resides elsewhere. Maybe you were getting too serious too fast. Maybe you sucked in bed. Maybe she just wasn’t into your personality. Whatever the actual reason was, she didn’t have the guts or decency to tell you, so just count it as a loss and move on. She was probably just using the fast-text-response thing as an excuse, because when women like a guy, trust us: you can’t text us back fast enough!
The question on every man's mind: do you prefer length or girth?
They’re equally important and unimportant. Let me put it this way: provided your penis isn't too short, too long, too skinny, or too thick, the size doesn't actually make much of a difference, except for visually. And if you are any of those things? Master the art of oral sexand we’ll appreciate you just as much.
After I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I dated a girl she did not like very much. This new girlfriend was very bad to me, so I left her. Now, my ex is my friend, but sometimes she brings up the girl I dated after her, and she gets very upset. Is there any chance my ex-girlfriend will accept me back into her life?
Sometimes, things happen that we can never get over. It sounds like your ex may never be able to get over the fact that you dated another girl. You may have to accept the fact that for a while, she’ll bring up the other girl every time you get into a fight. It doesn’t matter what the argument was originally about - she might bring her up anyway.
If you can deal with that, then I’d just say: let your ex know that you messed up, and that she’s the one you want. Drill into her head that dating another girl only made you realize what an amazing thing you had with her to begin with. Apologize profusely. Buy her a gift. Rinse, and repeat.
When it comes to eating the booty, are there any techniques that work well?
The key to eating great booty is the key to doing anything else well: do it like you love it. You know how, when your partner is going down on you, you can tell if they're into it? Well, we can tell when you guys love going down on us: the intention and passion behind the act are far more important than your technical skill. So don't be shy: just get all up in it and make out with it like you're recreating the kissing scene in Cruel Intentions.
Do you think that you/porn have contributed to the #MeToo movement and a society that normalized the objectification and degradation of women?
The problem isn’t with porn, it’s with sexual education. Do Quentin Tarantino movies normalize murder? No, because we are taught from a young age that killing people is ethically wrong. Do the Fast and Furious movies normalize reckless driving? No, because we are taught the dangers and risks of operating a vehicle without caution. But no one bothers to teach us these lessons about sex.
If we learned about things like consent, respect, and sexuality in school, we wouldn’t look to porn to educate us on how men should treat women. Case in point: only 22 states require sex ed to be taught in schools at all, and only 13 states require that sex ed programs be medically accurate. We're so scared of talking about sex with our kids that we're giving them terrible information, if we're even giving them any information in the first place.
"The problem isn’t with porn, it’s with sexual education."
Porn is not a template for other people's sex lives. Yet because of the lack of good sex education in our society, there is no solid example for how we should interact in our bedrooms; even worse, it can sometimes affect how we interact outside of it. Rough sexcan be awesome between two consenting adults, but does that mean it's acceptable to pull a woman's hair or call her a slut outside of that context, without her consent? No.
Sexual fantasies of power play are neither wrong nor bad, and neither is the porn that portrays them. We need to improve our sexual education system so that porn can be enjoyed and appreciated for what it is: entertainment.
I met this woman and we have so much in common. She's moving to another city at the end of the summer. She went from texting me walls of paragraphs and sending me sexy pics after 2 weeks of knowing each other, to completely ignoring me about a week after. She says she just wants to be friends, but she totally ignores every opportunity for us to hang. I’m taking the hint and stepping back, but can you please help clear this fog in my head?
A few things could be at play here. Maybe she met someone else. Maybe it’s you. Maybe the knowledge that she’ll be moving to another city in a few months caused her defense mechanism to kick in, and she’s preserving herself before she gets too attached by distancing herself from you. Or maybe it’s none of those things, and she’s just a weirdo! The truth is, you will never know unless you straight-up ask her.
While I commend you for “taking the hint" (a lot of guys could use more of this self-awareness), I think you deserve to know what happened – I’d ask her frankly. “Hey, we don’t have to get too into it, but I just want to know for my own sanity - what changed between us for you?” Whatever answer she gives, just be ready to accept it, even if you think it’s not totally truthful. Nothing is worse than a pushy guy – it sounds like you have a good sense of that, though, so I’m not worried. Good luck!
What's the best lube?
Whether it’s for toys or penises, my first choice will always be good ol' spit. But if you're grossed out by that (or if you have cotton mouth), then these are my all-time favorites:
1) Wicked Sensual Care Crème
Technically, this is a masturbation cream, not a lube, and because it’s oil-based, you should never use it with a condom. (Oil-based lubes can cause latex condoms to break). But if you're using it solo, or if you and your partner have both been tested and are having sex without condoms, this does work well as a lube. It starts off as a cream and dissolves into a nice oily consistency that doesn’t get tacky or sticky over time, and it doubles as an excellent moisturizer.
$10.56, buy it here
2) Wicked Sensual Care Jelle
I’m not a fan of water-based lubes, but they’re good to use with condoms and toys, so I’d be doing a disservice by not including one here. Jelle is thick and gelatinous in consistency, which means it's not sticky and it's easy to clean. Especially when you’re trying to lube up a dildo at 3:00 a.m. in the dark with one hand while holding your phone in the other, am I right? Anyone? No? OK.
$10.14, buy it here
3) Gun Oil Silicone Personal Lubricant
Gun Oil’s silicone formula is a no-frills, straight-up silicone lube. I prefer it to water-based lube, because it doesn’t get as tacky, and it lasts longer - and it's especially good for anal sex.
$9.80, buy it here