One crushing thing is to be turned down by someone you intensely like and want to be with.
Key thoughts; If distance can kill love, it certainly can heal lust.
I consider a crush to be an intense attraction that we sometimes have for another, owing to their possession of certain desirable qualities. No matter how spiritual or lofty we claim to be, we will most likely be faced with this love equation at some point in our lives.
The legitimacy of such attractions is the subject of another debate, but the certainty of their existence is what I am addressing here.
These intense attractions could exist between professional colleagues, academic colleagues, and spiritual colleagues and in some extreme cases extended family members. In fact, the context of occurrence of these emotional enchantments are endless. It is therefore important to know how to manage such attractions to your own personal, professional and spiritual advantage.
The consequences of mismanaged attractions can be devastating. A crush not properly managed can cost you your marriage, career, ministry and even leadership. Our society is rife with examples of people who fell from grace in several fields of endeavour, simply because an intense attraction was mismanaged.
The casualties range from first grade politicians to sports and entertainment celebrities, to even revered ministers of the gospel. While none of us is in any position to judge them because we all possess our own areas of struggle, theirs are simply more pronounced. We must begin to acquire the skills necessary for the excellent management of both same and opposite sex attractions for the sake of our destinies.
It is important to state a very candid fact before we go too far. The fact that you love one doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be attracted to another. In most settings we have shied away from this fact to our own peril, because in many extremely conservative settings, attraction for anyone other than your spouse is considered to be betrayal, even if you did not act upon the attractions.
Spouses tend to not mention such minor attractions to each other, until they become major scandals. I believe that many sex scandals could have been averted if they were sincerely discussed at the elementary attraction phase. It is therefore important to build a social infrastructure of transparency into our relationships, so as not to be victims of unvoiced attractions.
We must also unanimously agree that an attraction isn’t betrayal except it is acted upon, or fantasized about.
The second thing I always tell myself is that attraction is not authorization. The fact that you are attracted to a person, doesn’t mean that you are authorized to act upon it. Those whose actions are solely based upon the authority of attraction make the worst kind of lovers on earth.
Their loyalty to anyone is skin deep not heart deep. The moment they see someone more attractive they are gone. Such lovers should be avoided like a plague. Their love always stings, bites and maims in the end. The authority to act upon our attractions should not be derived from something as fickle as looks, it should be based on things more substantial like character, integrity forthrightness and the likes.
Thirdly, all attractions require clarification. You can’t afford to let your eyes and sexual organs decide for you. If you allow them decide for you, you are going to make a shipwreck of your life. What ought to be done, is that every attraction you have must be subjected to the rigorous analysis of your mind as well as the meticulous inquisition of your spirit. Only then can you be sure not to make a mess of yourself.
There are several strategic questions I use to process attraction at L.D.G. I will share a few of them now.
Is this person available?
There is no point wasting your precious emotions on a person who is obviously committed to someone else. I once heard of a lady praying that the husband of another woman, whom she dated in her past be restored to her, after he had, had four children with his wife.
That is paranoid. This question enables you focus your attraction in fruitful areas. Bearing this in mind that if you use your attraction as an excuse for destroying an established relationship, you are most likely to be haunted down by similar experiences in future.
Is the person approachable?
I see a lot of people virtually going crazy over celebrities that they aren’t likely to ever meet in their lifetime. The real danger is when they subconsciously begin to use such celebrities as a yardstick for measuring the beauty and capacities of the practical lover they have in their lives at the moment. One thing is certain, the real will always fall short of the ideal.
So Kim Kardashian is your ideal portrait of a lady? Okay go and see her and tell her so. Most men must realize that just as we hate to play second fiddle to the fictitious characters in lady’s romance novels, ladies too hate to, have to compete with the Playboy super model images that most of us have come to idolize in our imagination. It’s time to grow up and get real.
Is the person affordable?
This question deals with the underlying costs of the attractions we are indulging in. And I am not just talking about the financial costs alone but the total life costs of a particular attraction. Certain mismanaged attractions can cost us our peace, our reputation, our leadership, our career, our family and even our spiritual precision. The question we must ask of every attraction is this. ARE YOU WORTH IT?
Is this person responsible?
This has to do with the person’s overall outlook on life. Believe me when I say there are certain attractions you consummate that will lead to threats, blackmail, abuse, extortion and the likes. I mean being attracted to an irresponsible person may upset your total life balance in ways unimaginable. We must be discerning.
Is this person attainable?
Certain attractions are blatantly unrealistic. Even if our affections are deceiving us, we must be noble enough not to deceive ourselves. I have observed certain relationships and realized without much effort, that they couldn’t work. Most of them went ahead only for things to crumble not too long after then.
Is this person sustainable?
In this you try to answer the question can this last? We must learn to begin with the end in mind. If we don’t have what it takes to finish it, why start it? Many have wasted their time and lives on pointless attractions that weren’t going anywhere. Their regrets tell us that it won’t be wise to make the same mistake in our lives.
Is this person justifiable?
This answers the question of legitimacy, morality and posterity. What will my family say about this, my children, my spouse, my society? It answers the question Am I on solid ground? Do I have a right to assert this attraction? Or will I be in violation of eternal principles if this attraction is consummated?
If the answer to all of the above is a categorical yes, then such an attraction can be a stepping stone to an intimate relationship. But if the answers to them all are a capital no, we must withdraw from such attractions and seek out alternatives avenues for our attraction.
If the “No and Yes” are evenly distributed, then we should be patient with such attractions until we are fully certain of its rightness. I can almost hear someone say sir, but it is not easy to withdraw your attractions from another. To that I say, DISTANCE is the solution.
While all attraction is definitely not lust, I often teach that if distance can kill love, surely it can heal lust, and I am fully persuaded that distance can at least regulate attraction.
These guidelines are sure to keep your crushes from crushing you, so long as they are systematically applied. I believe in you and I will see you at the top someday soon.
Written by Deji Olabode
Love Dynamix Global. Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
lovedynamix@gmail.com