"Sometimes I'll sit on his favourite chair and imagine him talking to me, I'd talk to myself like I was having a great conversation with him."
Over the weekend a close friend lost his dad and I had to call him to express my condolences. Immediately he ended the call, I felt this wave of grief come over me.
Childhood memories.
I remembered some years ago when I was in his shoes and how that experience changed my life. The pain was numbing and sometimes I'll sit on his favourite chair and imagine him talking to me. I'd talk to myself like I was having a great conversation with him. I became reclusive and very little things got to me.
It took me a long time to actually accept the fact that he was gone. I remember how people flocked around I and my siblings, trying to let us know they were there to help us. They looked at us with pity and I hated it. Some of them didn't know what to say so they'd just come and keep quiet. Others would scream from the gate, throwing themselves on the floor and causing a scene.
These latter group annoyed me greatly, I just couldn't understand why they had to put up a show that wasn't necessary. Despite the fact that some of them haven't seen us for more than a decade, they made it look like they were a part of our everyday lives. At a point I became very angry, I did snap at anyone and preferred being on my own.
I was quite young and my teachers noticed I had developed a different attitude towards academics. I cried myself to sleep almost everyday and kept all my activities to myself. I couldn't understand why people kept asking how it happened when the utmost thing was that he was gone. Some will say 'Take Heart' this phrase annoyed me and I'll just roll my eyes and continue with my sulking.
Later on I realized some of them just didn't know what to say or how to act around a bereaved person. The first day I went to school after the burial, I told my friend and she just started crying, I just stared at her like "what's going on?" She couldn't help it because she was an emotional person, I stood with her until she was done but I know now that she helped me greatly by letting out the grief.
Let out the grief
Perhaps you know anyone who's going through this phase right now or you're currently grieving for a loved one, it's okay to cry. Let it all out, sometimes it's the only thing you can do to help yourself come to terms with the situation.
Also, get busy with work, school or something you enjoy doing. When you're actively engaged with activities, it takes your mind off the pain at least for a little while.
Stay with people whom you're comfortable with and avoid negative conversations about the deceased. Try as much as possible to protect the beautiful memories you had of that person without contaminating with reports saying otherwise.
Have a point of contact for example a souvenir or something owned by the person. I had this jacket from my Dad that I still wear anytime I want to feel close to him or those days when I just miss him so much.
There was a day I went to a supermarket to get groceries and I stumbled upon a brand of shaving powder he used. On impulse, I bought it and put it in my bathroom. It sounds silly I know but it felt good. I won't tell you it's going to be easy getting over this, in fact I don't think you can ever get over it.
Nevertheless, you can just come to accept the fact that this person (s) is gone... You need to pray too, it's only God that can actually comfort you in the true sense. Ask for peace and contentment, talk to Him, cry, shout, roll on the floor just pour it all out to Him.
Talk about it, at first this might be too much but with time it gets better, it's quite essential for the healing process. Truth be told, we all have our individual ways of coping with loss and l can only suggest or tell you what works for me. Let's just remember that during our journey through life, let's live everyday like it was the last. Smile more, laugh, eat, belch, go for yoga classes, do your best and let everyone know you have no worries about tomorrow. I know that sounds idealistic but it's actually achievable.
So long!
Written by Adekunbi Bello
Bello Adekunbi "Kunbella" is an effervescent soul, bookish and loves watching classical movies. If she's not writing, taking long strolls on the beach or dancing, her head will definitely be buried in a book. Catch her on Instagram @kunbi_bello, Twitter @adekunbi_bello or Google #kunbellawrites.